Mein Gott

The last time Aaron had a conference for work overseas, it was in Germany – Hamburg to be specific. We thought it would be great fun for me to meet up with him after the conference. So we did.

I met him in Frankfurt, because I wanted to show him the two towns where I lived in high school. In high school, my Dad worked for the Dept of Defense. We were stationed at two different Army bases: Baumholder and Bad Kreuznach. They are both southwest of Frankfurt by about an hour or so. I wanted to stay in Bad Kreuznach, so we rented a car and made our way there.

I entertained myself by taking photos of everything, including, but not limited to Autobahn signs, Ausfahrt (exit) signs, other cars, trucks, the landscape and Aaron’s face while he was driving. His expression read: incredibly tired and most assuredly not amused.

Traveling is always challenging, so amid stresses navigating our way to new lands, finding appropriate nourishment (as the German saying goes, “Man can’t live on bread alone”, although, man would like it very much, with a bit of butter and cheese, please.) and getting enough sleep so as to be bright eyed and bushy tailed in the morning is sometimes easier said than done.

My main concern when I travel? It’s rather a delicate subject. It has to do with my constitution. Alrighty, I’ll just come out and say it…my system gets backed up. Call it what you will – stoved up (my Dad’s favorite term), sluggish (a drug commercial euphemism), or just plain constipated. It happens every time I go anywhere. As soon as I stray from my schedule and regular breakfast of coffee with nonfat cream and oatmeal with raisins, brown sugar and milk, all hell breaks loose. Or more accurately, nothing breaks loose and I feel like I am pregnant with a poo baby whose due date is well overdue.

I have tried everything to try to combat this problem. Special teas, more water, more fruits and vegetables, a similar breakfast to what I have at home, exercising, but nothing really works. So, while we were in Bad Kreuznach, we went to a grocery store called Norma (my Dad always called it “Norma Norma”, because it says “Norma” over and over all along the border of the window to the store.) I love shopping at foreign grocery stores and so among the yummy chocolates and curious meats, I located the dried fruit section. I saw Sultanen (raisins) and then I saw Trockene Aprikosen (dried apricots). “Hmmmm”, I thought to myself, “Dried apricots – those are full of fiber and they taste sweet. I bet it would loosen things up to just have a few. I think I will purchase them.” And with that, amid our other treasures (like butter and Bauernbrot), the dried apricots went into our re-usable bag. And we were off.

I waited to eat the apricots until the following morning. I thought that if I combined them with some coffee and a full breakfast, it might really push things along. So, I woke up before Aaron and got ready. He was still sleeping, so I had a few dried apricots for a snack to tide me over until we went out for breakfast. I waited. Nothing happened. So I ate a few more. Aaron continued to sleep and I was getting pretty hungry. So I scarfed down about five more apricots and a glass of water. I looked into the bag and realized I had eaten about fifteen or twenty of the apricots. But still no poo action!

Aaron got up and got ready and we hot footed it down to Café Wohl. They have a bakery and a restaurant area. My Mom and I loved eating there when we lived in Bad Kreuznach. Aaron and I ordered coffee, Multivitaminen Saft (multi-vitamin juice – a mix of carrot and other juices), and eggs and rolls and croissants.

It was going to be an awesome breakfast! I busied myself translating things on the menu for Aaron and regaled him with witty anecdotes about when we lived there and all the cool bars that I was able to go to, even though I was only sixteen. And then, I felt a deep rumble in my stomach, but actually lower than my stomach. The rumble turned to more of a gurgle and seemed to be situated right where my intestines are located. “Curious,” I thought, paused for a moment and then remembered the apricot-a-thon. I excused myself to go to the bathroom.

Thankfully, there was nobody else there and they already had the windows open. (Germans seem to be really into airing things out.) I got situated and then my bowels pretty much exploded. It was awful and it did not smell like sweet dried fruit, let me tell you. I thought I was through, and re-joined Aaron, hoping that nobody had heard or smelled my, uh, “deposit”. I resumed eating my soft-boiled egg and pretended everything was normal. But I had to excuse myself again and run for the WC.

You know what it’s like when you drink too much or have the flu and you can’t keep anything down, but you really want some water, but then it comes right back up, only grosser and smellier? Well, that’s what this was like, only coming from the other end. I shuffled back to the table and Aaron could see that I was kind of green and sweaty. I asked for the check and mercifully, our server brought it pretty quickly so we were able to settle up and hurry back to where we were staying.

The plan for the rest of the day had been to drive to Kronweiler, the village where I lived with my family for about three years when my Dad worked in Baumholder. However, we had to re-tool the itinerary because I couldn’t leave the bathroom for about three hours. So our departure was quite delayed. We finally left about 1pm and it wasn’t as much fun as I had imagined. We got some pictures and saw my old house,

but my heart wasn’t in it. And neither was my colon.

I made a full recovery, but learned a valuable lesson. Even though it’s uncomfortable to be constipated, it doesn’t really slow you down or prevent you from leaving your hotel room bathroom. So, now I just suck it up when we go on trips and avoid any unpredictable teas, dried fruits or OTC meds. And if, miraculously, I am able to have a number two while on a vacation, I always announce it to Aaron like I’ve just won the lottery. “I just went poo! I feel so free!” and I do a happy dance like a dog after he poops in the grass when you take him on a walk. Aaron nods, smiles and congratulates me and probably silently thanks God that we can get on with our vacation and not talk any more about bowel movements for a blessed few moments.