Top Five Things Not To Do At Work (Unless you want me to hate you)

There are many things that I think should be banned at work, but burning microwave popcorn tops the list. Someone burned their microwave popcorn in my building so badly the other day, that it set off the fire alarms. It was disruptive, as well as smelly. Is it really that important that every last frickin' kernel of corn gets popped? Will people die if there are a few old maids in the bottom of the bag? Here's a tip: if the bag says to microwave for 5 minutes, try 2 minutes first. Because, newsflash, if it's not popped enough after 2 minutes, YOU CAN PUT IT BACK IN THE MICROWAVE FOR ANOTHER MINUTE.

The other things that should be banned are vaguely offensive comments about appearance masquerading as casual conversation. It is never helpful when you say "Howdy, Person that I work with!" and Person that you work with says, "You look tired today." Telling someone that they look tired is not nice. Not nice at all. If you want to engage in small talk, try, "It sure is sunny/cloudy/stormy outside!" or simply "How's it going?", or my favorite, "I've got a fifth of vodka in my car. Meet me outside in twenty minutes." Ha ha, just kidding about that last one. (Um, seriously, twenty minutes. I'll be there.)

Number three on the list would be not to make comments about anyone's hair ever, unless they are unquestionably positive. This includes unclear, possibly negative comments like, "Did you do something different with your hair? No? Oh."

An important and often violated rule is no bathroom chatter. If the stall door is closed, the window of opportunity for chat with me is officially closed. And don't even try to look at my shoes in an attempt to identify me and start a conversation.

Lastly, and certainly not least importantly, would be my plea to stop forcing food on people. Why is it that there is A. Such an abundance of food in the workplace? And B. Why does everyone act wounded if you pass on a piece of frickin' birthday cake? If I say I don't want a piece of birthday cake, let's just leave it at that, mmm'k? Because if you bring me one anyway, I will not hesitate to throw it in the garbage.

Thank you for listening. If you follow my rules for success in the workplace, people won't hate you. Including, most importantly, me.