Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder

I like to read InStyle, and they usually have an article in each issue that discusses what is in a certain celebrity's make-up bag. I remember one interview with Christina Ricci, who revealed that she uses Preparation H for undereye puffiness. I tried it, but it was really greasy. Not to mention that it's for HEMORROIDS! Plus I was slightly worried that it might cause me to go blind or something. Imagine calling and explaining that to your optometrist. "Um, yeah, I put hemorroid cream on my eyes, and now I can't see. Uh huh, yeah, I can't see the puffiness and, actually, I can't see anything at all. I guess maybe I misunderstood how it would work..."

Another interview was with Jewel, who said that she always curls her eyelashes with an eyelash curler and that her boyfriend notices if she doesn't. What? I have tried to curl my eyelashes and I can barely tell if they're curled - I would never expect someone else to notice. Maybe I'm doing something wrong. I usually end up pinching the shorter eyelashes in the sides of the curler, which causes me to wince in pain and then my eyes water.

I saw a heated eyelash curler on the Sephora website, and thought it might be more effective, but that just seems too dangerous. I'd have to call the optometrist again, "Yeah, I set my eyelashes on fire and now I can't see. Yeah, it was a heated eyelash curler. No, not a curling iron, an eyelash curler. No, not false eyelashes, my real ones! No, I don't want a large pizza! I dialed the wrong fucking number because I can't see! Hello, hello?"

Speaking of Sephora, they featured a product called Lip Venom about a year or so ago. It is a lip plumping gloss that is supposed to give your lips a full "bee stung" appearance. It causes your lips to swell by using key ingredients like cinnamon and other natural additives. I rushed out to buy some and couldn't wait to have lips like Angelina Jolie. I tried it as soon as I got home. It plumped my lips alright. It made them feel like they were covered in real bee stings! The searing pain was horrible and the result wasn't even that great. I plan to stick with my Bonne Bell Vanilla Lipsmackers from now on.

So, as you can see (unless your vision is fogged over with Preparation H), keeping up with new beauty trends can be fraught with danger. But if you're like me, you can't resist a shiny new product. Just be careful out there and DON'T get the Lip Venom mixed up with the hemorroid cream. Ouch.