Spa Retreat?

I was cruising around on drugstore.com and beauty.com looking for cheap knock-offs of Bare Minerals multi-tasking minerals concealer (I go through that stuff like nobody's business - I guess I just have a lot of concealing to do) when I saw this: The Bidet Spa. (It was in the featured items section, so it was hard to miss.)

The description says, "The CleanButt BidetSpa toilet seat bidet helps create the ambiance of a spa in your own private bathroom retreat." Whoa. Hold the phone, Joan. Did I read that right? "CleanButt"? Now, I have to wonder - is this a joke? I mean, I know bidets are real, obviously. (We actually had a bidet in the flat where I lived with my Dad in London. I'll be honest with you that it always intimidated me, so I avoided it.)

OMG, it IS real! Their website is called cleanbutt.com! Their slogan is "A Happy Butt is a Clean Butt". I guess that's because "You can do it. We can help" was already taken.

So, if I may, let me just highlight for you some of the copy from the description of the BidetSpa. They state that this product has a lot of features, including, but not limited to, the enema wash, which, and I quote, provides "For a more thorough cleansing experience, the BidetSpa's Enema wash is specifically designed to gently spray a stream of warm water directly through the rectum and into the lower colon. The water temperature and water pressure is easily adjustable to your desired level of comfort. Safe and effective, the BidetSpa can help relieve the many discomforts associated with constipation." Um, I think I'll leave my lower colon alone, thank you very much. (I'm guessing those that take the Alli diet pill wouldn't need help with this issue at all. I'm just saying.)

Last, but not least, the writers who penned this description want to let you know this: "Water and the BidetSpa . . . It's All About You!" Who the f*ck else would it be about? It's a one seater, right?

I think if you're having issues in this department, just get some baby wipes and save yourself 650 bucks. Or take a shower. The choice is yours.