Flying the friendly skies?

My boyfriend and I just got back from our whirlwind vacation to Europe. Yes, it was really fun, thank you for asking. I'll get more into that in tomorrow's post. For now, I just want to focus on the truly horrible state of flying.

Nobody that I know really likes to fly. It's stuffy, cramped and usually rather tedious. There are the long lines to check in, long lines in security, and anal cavity searches. Whoa! Did I say anal cavity searches? I meant the pat downs and metal detectors. I guess it pays to be safe, but it is a drag to take off your shoes and load all your crap on the security conveyor belt. I know, I know, it's all for our safety, but I just get crabby at the airport because I know that there is lots of discomfort and boredom ahead of me.

On our flight to Europe, we flew from Seattle to New York and then New York to London. It wasn't too bad. I didn't get motion sick and we had in-flight movies (Meet the Fockers - kind of funny, but stupid - typical Ben Stiller) and we brought "Freaks and Geeks" to watch on the laptop. It's a good show, by the way. So, all in all, it was fairly painless.

The food situation, on the other hand, was a bit of a shocker. You always hear people complain about airline food, mess hall food, and cafeteria food. I like all three, so you'll get no griping from me. The problem now is, they've cut back on the food you get on the plane! On our flight to New York, we had to BUY our food on the plane! We could choose a turkey wrap (sorry vegetarians) or a "Snack Pack". (The term snack pack reminds me of Rap Snacks. Have you seen those? They are chips and stuff and the bags have pictures of Master P and rappers like that. So, I called the the snack packs "Crap Snacks". You really have to create your own entertainment when you're flying).

The snack pack had a packet of crackers and cheese (not bad), a packet of Oreos (I'm ok with that), some salami (kind of gross, but I ate it anyway) and some crappy ass Craisins. I hate cranberries unless they come out of a can at Thanksgiving, so dried cranberries with a witty name were insulting on many levels. I was so ridiculously hungry, though, that we bought a turkey wrap and two snack packs. Little did I know, we were lucky to have the option to buy food.

On the way back, we had a 10 hour flight from London to LA. The first meal was beef stew with some tater tot style potatoes. It was edible and I ate it all like a piggy. Later, we got a measly snack - a tiny Toblerone, one butter cookie and a cracker. (No Craisins, though, or I would have lost my shit.) I was in a panic, because we still had 6 hours left and we hadn't brought any food!

I asked the steward if I could buy a snack pack (I would have gladly eaten more salami and Oreos), but alas, that was not a choice. He offered me some mini pretzels and said we'd be getting pizza in an hour and a half. With that shred of hope, I flounced back to my seat to inhale the pretzels.

Time ticked by, and I started the feel the upset stomach that sets in when you've gone too long without regular food. We also hit some turbulence, which didn't help, plus we'd been up for something like 20 hours, so I was feeling pretty cracked out by this point.

By the time the flight attendents rolled by with their metal cart, I was delirious with nausea. I scarfed down the six grapes that came in a plastic airline contatiner. I was feeling so awful, that I only at half of the pizza. I wasn't sure if it would stay down, if you know what I mean.

After the pizza meal, we started our descent into LA. I was feeling like I had the delirium tremens by this point. My legs were jumpy, I thought I might hurl, and then my ears started clogging up from the change in altitude.

My boyfriend was trying to help me out and kept telling me that it would be ok and we'd be on the ground soon. He got me some water and I tried to maintain and go to my "happy place".
Unfortunately, the nausea beat out my happy place. I knew I couldn't risk the mad dash to the bathroom, so I grabbed for the airsick bag and let 'er rip. It was truly horrific. There is nothing quite like holding a bag of your own hot puke to make you feel like crap. I had just had a glass of apple juice and a can of Ginger ale, so it was mostly liquid. Ick. We were going to leave it on the floor, but I just couldn't do that to the airline crew, so I casually minced back to the bathrooms and got rid of the evidence, like everything was cool, as if it was a bag of chips or something. Maybe some Rap Snacks...

After getting to customs, we discovered a bathroom (there is a god!) and I was able to brush my teeth and get rid of the puke breath. Ugh.

When we cleared customs, we made a beeline for the airport food court by our gate. We went to Burger King and I had it my way. It was the best chocolate shake I have ever had. It coated my stomach with it's chocolately, fattening goodness. Then I chomped down four chewable Peptos and a Dramamine and slept all the way to Seattle. It's good to be home and I plan to keep my feet on the ground for the next few months. (But I'll keep reaching for the stars, har har.)