White Trash

My boyfriend and I had a White Trash theme party over the weekend. We sent out an Evite and made all the requisite jokes about trailers, El Caminos and wife beaters. We thought it was a great idea! I made a list of all the food and drinks we'd need: Easy Cheese, Boone's, Wine Coolers, Box Wine, Coors Light, Cheetos, Twinkies, Corn Nuts, Kool Aid, etc.

We worked on our costumes and came up with, what I thought, was pure genius. I bought a Farrah Fawcett style wig that was blonde and had big feathered wings on each side. It ended up resembling Hedwig a lot more than Farrah, but either way it was trashy. I had a black deep v-neck shirt that only had fabric on the top half of the back. The bottom half was bare and there was a tie across the back. I found some slutty pants at Thriftko that matched the shirt. The pants were black stretchy polyester and had corset style ties on each side. I have some velvet platform stripper shoes that I got in Vegas as a joke and they worked perfectly. Then I spackled on some make-up and heavy black eyeliner and pressed on three fake tattoos. I had a rose on my chest - an essential - an eagle on my bicep, because I'm a proud American, and a design with two large roses and the word "Glory" in all caps, across the small of my lower back. Ack! I frightened myself when I looked in the mirror.

My boyfriend had, what else? A mullet wig. He also got a stick on mustache that totally creeped me out. He wore some old Levi's with holes in them and a pair of black work boots. On top, he wore a thermal shirt that has a pattern of green moose across it. He found a hunting vest at Thriftko, which really topped out the ensemble. The piece de resistance, though, were the Billy Bob teeth that he had bought in a gumball machine at Kmart out on Aurora last summer. Take any average looking person and slap some Billy Bob teeth on them and you've got yourself a hick.

Before the party, we put out the vittles and the bevvies, and sat back and waited for all our friends to show up. I snacked on onion dip and potato chips...my absolute favorite snack. Maybe being white trash isn't too much of a stretch for me...

As it turned out, our party wasn't as well attended as we'd hoped, but our friends that did show up were dressed for the occasion. There was a lot of blue eyeshadow, big bangs, mini skirts, wife beaters and one skull bandana.

After a strawberry wine cooler and a few Coor's lights, I was ready for the photo action. My friend that plays bass suggested that we take some rockin' pictures with my bass and my boyfriend's guitar, so we got some sweet shots of us playing guitars. Think Spinal Tapp. We weren't plugged in, but man, if we had been we would have turned it up to eleven.

By the end of the evening, we were full of cheap beer, Twinkies and Cheetos and I decided it would be a good idea to try out the Billy Bob teeth. We took a few pictures for posterity and man oh man, I look as dumb as a sack of hammers with those teeth on!

Overall, we had a pretty fun time. But I've never been so happy to get back into my regular clothes as I was after the party! I was beginning to feel like I had ten kids and a bunch of hounds out in a trailer park in Kent. I was equally relieved to see my boyfriend's real hair sans the mullet wig, and his lack of facial hair. We looked like Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher compared to our white trash selves!

So if you want a self-esteem booster, have a white trash party. After you take off your costume and get back to your regular self, you'll be feeling so hot that you'll forget all about losing that extra ten pounds or buying that MAC fast response eye cream with caffiene to reduce under eye puffiness. You'll just be grateful that you have all your teeth and that your boyfriend's name isn't Shooter.